I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
