so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
