I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
