I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
