Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
