My hand turned me down
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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