mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
