ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I need to stop coming to work sober
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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