Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
