Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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