Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
