i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
