i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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