Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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