Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
