Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
