hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
