why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
