I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
