I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
