An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
