I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
