By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Also, beer. Big fan.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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