I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
