Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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