woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize