i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
