I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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