I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
