respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Randomize
