if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
