I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
