I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
