Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
