you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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