she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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