Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
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For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
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I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos