you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth