they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
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Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
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Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out