When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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