my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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