Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
