Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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