WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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