Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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