I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
