imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
