i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
