just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
