just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Randomize
