i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
