I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
not ubering you a puppy
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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