I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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