Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
