totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Is this like a preordered booty call?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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