i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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