So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you didnt know i had herpes?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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