your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Im part way to drunk.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
