I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
