new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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