I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
