Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
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