I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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