it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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