Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
There are leaves in my underwear?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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