...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
